Sleep is Over Rated.

I've been experiencing some insomnia lately. A lot on some nights... like being up until 3 am which is incredibly late for me. Last night, I was in bed early because it was the night before that had me up that late, (only to be up early on Saturday for a very FULL day of UT football goodness and that excitement alone can exhaust the best of them)... I laid there and while I had some thoughts visit the conscious mind, it wasn't anything terribly "buzzing"... still, I found myself up and not only cleaning through some random piles I've had lying around, I found myself creating in more details my living room alter (I have a temporary set up while a super sweet one is being custom made for me :) and going through some old random photos I've had sitting around here. I started making a small collage of pics from many different times in my life that make me smile so now every time I sit down to work on my computer, I am reminded. I am reminded of the beauty all around me through the experiences and people who have loved me in my life (some who I haven't seen or spoken to in years) and those who have welcomed my love into their lives and into their stories. We all have them, and their depth and value go far beyond anything we can ever see by looking at someone from across the room.  

For years, I have "started" over and over again writing a book about my life and those unspoken stories and experiences. In many ways I am happy that it did not come to it's initial fruition because it was, at that time, one that would have defined me by loss. As I grew, healed, experienced newness in love, loss, living, and life, the angle has changed a hundred times over. I certainly intend to pursue this idea but What I have decided however is that it would require partnering with someone who has a lot of time and interest to re-live those moments in my life that make up the story I have to tell of triumph...possibly in a forum that would have to be spent over many late night conversations with hot tea and a very good dictator and listener! Oh the thought is just therapy in and of itself! ;)   

What I am doing currently is keeping a running list of notable events in my life via timeline. It's something like a musician or writer keeping a notepad by their bed. It's 2008 and I carry a blackberry so I have a file of "my life" on my pda and as it happens, I will be on the way to or from a class and remember "oh yes, 'first place breaker' award in 3rd grade!" and so it gets noted. For me, getting it out, all of it out will be such a healing and purifying experience. The ability to say "F-IT!", here I am. Love me for all of it or not at all.  

This whole "spiritual being having a human experience" thing is an incredible passage at times, some more so than others. When is it in one's life when we start giving a shit what people think about us so much so that we pull in and cover who we are, to any degree? Everyone has a their bag of bones hidden in a box somewhere but why do we protect those bones when its often those experiences that make us our best selves today?  

I have been working on a new song this past week that started out from the inspiration of Carl Jung's words: "I am not what has happened to me, I am who I choose to become." I've been spending a lot of time the last few days pondering why it is that sometimes we (*I*) don't feel like we or what we are doing (in our lives, our work, our life work, etc) is enough.

What I've come up with is this...  

Not until we are with Joy, truly joyful within ourselves in full acceptance, appreciation and liberation collectively, "it"/"we" (nothing, no one etc) will never be/feel enough. Ever. I once saw a therapist for a short period of time when I lived in Hawaii who happened to be THE person who introduced me to Buddhist way of thought who said to me "there is a difference between happiness and joy. Happiness comes with conditions. 'I'll be happy if...' or 'If this happens, I won't be happy'..." He went on to share that JOY is complete and without condition. I never forgot those words and when I'm in my *best* space, I ask myself if my current state is one based on such conditions. Often, I know my answer before I ever even finish asking the question. 

My immediate work is to explore the unexplored means that will be the discovery of what it is that I "really really want" (words from another world renowned therapist I know who I have not "sat" with, but one whose retreats and books based on this single and so profound question I am familiar with) and collectively discovering that place within myself that will allow me complete liberation to BE all that I am without apology and to let the experiences of my life that have brought me to this independent place where I stand, breathe and be set free rather than in a space that is behind a protected locked door in a room full of needless fears of judgments and ridicule.  

To put it simply, Seal and Guru Singh sang "I am who I am and that is that."  

I believe that not until this place is deeply explored and dusted with blinds and windows wide open, will anything ever be "enough".  

I see this racing through my thoughts on so many different levels it's not even funny. Personally, professionally, romantically... even beyond that in my search to connect with a cause far larger than anything I can conjure up on my own. What I am finding is that I am looking to connect, to stay connected on a scale that echos louder than my own voice ever could. Putting myself out there, licking my finger and sticking it up in the wind for direction and going inward underneath it all that inevitably builds up in our lives to look the source in the eye. For now, this is my spiritual path.

 http://antwrp.gsfc.nasa.gov/apod/ap080722.html
I never ever get tired of seeing this as it gives off the bhavana of my entire spiritual exploration... Thanks John; and thank you for the context in which it was sent.

LoveLoveLove,
Sanieh
www.saniehyoga.com