What Beauty Really is/isn't. (X-Rated Reader Warning :)

 On *Living* Yoga...

One of the greatest compliments people give me is when they tell me that I am a great hugger. I like to think of myself as a "full body contact" hugger. Recently, teacher friend and Bodhi Yoga studio owner Seane and I had a conversation about how us Yogins like to even use the knee (one of mine between yours if you can visualize it...) to really get in there and give a hug with conviction :) Something about a great hug, I tell you what! There is such power to a hug.  

While I take pride in the truth that I AM in fact an excellent hugger, I wasn't always.  

Yoga has given to me more testimonies for my life's improvement on so many levels, many to which, no one would ever know simply looking at me or even "knowing" me day in and day out.  

Way back before I was ever a yogini, I was a fitness model for ABB (American Body Building), Met Rx, and others and did a lot of magazine print work with EAS and GNC. At my peak, I was in training for a competition.   

During that time, I was completely about the exterior. How many "packs" can I get my abbs to and how do I look in a swim suite for print in such and such magazine... that's where I was and for a long time, I really enjoyed challenging myself in that way... and it IS a challenge and I have the most respect for those who actually train day in and day out as a career because it's not easy and having been married to a body builder, it sure isn't easy on those who have to put up with all the DIEting (note: there are many *maintainable* means... I am referring to the "eat, sleep, train" folks in the house who get to experience the wonderful world of "depletion" for "seasons" at a time...) While my life and lifestyle (from how I choose to work my body and mind mind, and what I choose to put into BOTH) are the most healthy and balanced they have ever been... I wasn't always.  

I've never really spoken publically on what I'm about to share here. Only recently have I even shared it with more than 2 people at one time (thank you to my Goddess Gathering Girls!). It is, however, a testimony to what yoga has done for me and perhaps even more so, a testimony to all of those women and young girls who think their beauty and self-worth rides on anything other that your truest and most beautiful HEART and SOUL and NATURE...and what you bring to the world in the way or living charitably and with an abundance of love and kindness.  

I was very young... 19 to be exact, when I made the choice to get breast implants.

Very large breast implants I might add. There were a number of reasons "why" and the world of fitness wasn't one of them because I had not arrived to it at that point. I was actually doing some work as a print model and it was shortly before I got into the world of acting (A business woman in negotiations in a Pakistani soap, The New Guy, singing on commercials on the former Warner Bro. / WB Channel... see, everyone has a story!) and there was an idea in my head that it wouldn't hurt any of that either.  

I was so impressionable at at the tender age of 19... While I had made the choice using "my mother had it done" justification, I neglected to share that she was much older and had 4 kids before hand. At 19 I was OK with my body and felt fine in my skin and looks but then there was Kevin. I remember his words to this day shortly after meeting him...  

"You're bottom heavy and one of your breasts is smaller than the other".  

OHH what I would say to the 19 year of me (or ANY other young woman!) TODAY over that comment!! Seriously.  

So 19, with beautifully (...yet still not "perfect") enhanced breasts and sliding self-esteem. Once I came to fitness and training, I gained confidence but always, I was always self conscious of those *things* in my body. The many women who I have known and loved who have had enhancement tend to love lacing up the bikini but I was always more self conscious then because I felt the stares and never felt that they were in adoration of my beauty so to speak. I got them so that they would be bigger after all, right? So why be upset when people recognize that? It's simple and it goes like this... beauty is something felt, not something seen. Beauty truly DOES come from WITHIN. There were so many people in my world at that time who *thought* I was most confident and confident in my skin. If ever I was, it never came from within.  

Back to the Hug...   

So always being self conscious of the floatation devises that kept me afloat (literally), the last thing I wanted to do was to press those girls into someone with a hug. For ME (and I stress for me because I share this as personal testimony, not as judgment for anyone Else's decisions as I know many who have chosen this path, even practitioners and teachers of yoga), even before coming to yoga, I was always so aware of them, one in particular. Over the years I had looked into (leisurely) getting them removed but soon realized it costs more to take them out then to have them put in.    

Writing this is so very surreal because over a decade later, I cannot even fathom the idea of changing my body in such a way and gasp even more so at the thought of even caring or giving any kind of weight to what someone would have to say about my body or natural proportions ... THAT makes me want to stand on a soap box preaching to a choir of young girls who by the way, when polled, 7 out 10 said they feel they are not good enough and do not measure up in some way including (but not limited to) their looks...   (Dove's report:  Real Girls, Real Pressure: National Report on the State of Self-Esteem)

Not until I was living in TN did I finally make a trip to Vanderbilt's cosmetic surgery unit to actually discuss it with a world classes surgeon. He told me, "you know you are going to be smaller than when you started pre-implants, right?". I didn't care about size at that point obviously, but no, I didn't know that. He sent me home to think about it. That was in February of 2005. The day before Thanksgiving, November 2005, I had them removed.  

Almost 9 years to the date of their implantation I had them removed, and now, almost 3 years to the date of their removal... I sit here at my humble desk feeling healthier, happier, sexier and most beautiful inside the skin of my full-body contact huggin' self.  

I realize that I have a very unique perspective on this topic because I went from having them, to not having them, at my own will without there being a *need* for their removal. I would love to tell you that I had them removed because breast cancer is in my family and that my Nana has a mastectomy and I was fearful it would be missed or harder to detect, but that's not the case.

My yoga practice gave to me body awareness...intense body awareness and over time it was impossible for me to ignore. The price I was paying feeling uncomfortable in my skin due to vanity, which in turn caused me to feel uncomfortable in my existence in self-esteem and even in the false idea of what beauty was, weighed more than any price I had to pay to remove them. My perspective through EXPERIENCE is very unique I know... but even so, I would never change the experience because its brought me to a better place of understanding and owning what beauty is and realizing on drastic levels what it is not.  

With such jaw dropping perspective (really, I can see your jaws now!) you might be wondering what I've determined beauty to be in more recent days.    

What is beauty to me today? It's having confidence in my own skin. It's not defining myself by the size of my breasts, the lines on my face, the seemingly physical imperfections of this body, or even the choices I've made that have taken me on an unpaved road to hell and back. Beauty, to me, is coming into my own, knowing who I am, sharing my truths and leading by example, loving myself as I AM in this skin, striving and working hard physically to be healthy and fit for a quality LIFE rather than anything that will fade in time or with age. Beauty to me is hearing and *knowing* that I AM a most excellent hugger because I am comfortable in my skin and because it comes from somewhere deep within my heart.  

There have been times in my teaching career where I have suggested practicing yoga on your mat naked.... alone in the privacy of your own home, please ;) You want to really get to know yourself, your body, and love it all anyway? Try shoulder stand or plow in the raw. Go ahead! I can hear some of you laughing right now (I'm smiling myself but dead serious in the suggestion, I certainly AM!)! While I feel it's so important to care for our health, wellness and physical bodies, that aside, I am talking about loving what you've got.  

Rather than avoiding what time or age has "softened", look into the mirror beyond societies idea of beauty, perfection, and glamour... look into what lies beneath your surface, it's only your shell. Let your beauty shine through your skin... that's what people see in the end. That's what sustains. That is what beauty really is.

Blissful, bountiful, and beautifully yours,
Sanieh
www.saniehyoga.com