Last night was such a nice evening!

It wasn't PACKED, close to 2 dozen so it was a healthy sized group. I'm just now starting to bring more bhakti, musically, to my yoga world in longer durations (rather than just a song or 2 at the end of class) and while I dedicated the last hour to this in particular last night, I quickly realized that I have a lot more material (time wise) to make it a much longer experience. I actually found myself resisting the desire to let each offering last much longer than they did and even still, there were 4 or 5 that I planned on yet didn't have enough time for...including some favorites! In my seat, one never knows how anyone will react or respond. The good news is that they show up so that has to mean *something*... part of why I like to let each offering run on is because repetition is what takes me there as a facilitator being the musical vessel and I think that's true for everyone in the experience. I feel it in my body, my voice even changes in sensation and sound because it's at this point when I spiritually get out of my own way and let whatever is there, more through me. I feel like it was a very spiritually rich group and while many or even *most* were new to this kind of yogic experience, I so look forward to much more of the same as we all sail on together in the sea of divine love and devotion.

On my way home, I, quite literally, felt intoxicated- drunk off of the vibration of mantra and harmonium, drowning of the Shruti box, and the extension of my fingers that turned into the belly and neck of my guitar. Mix the entire experience from start to finish with a dab of some of my *other* music (still very much so devotion as I have never written or sung anything that wasn't part of my actual experience).... there's no place like home.

Ahhhhhhhh.... so I awoke this morning feeling so refreshed partly from a LOT of clearnig and cleansing (see previous blogs) and the first thought to came to my mind about today was "I have CHOICES!" which still makes me smile! Sometimes it's the more simple things, yes?! I was basking in the beauty of the day before ever having stepped foot outside our even off of my bed for that matter, just thinking about practicing and bowing to the alter of my yoga mat. After another intoxicating asana experience (really, the first 30 minutes in particular had my ENTIRE body at ease so much so that my eyes were honestly completely half-gazed and most serene like the Buddha... compliments of the Shakti running through Keith who was teaching :), I became somewhat of a tourist travelling down the drag admiring Austin, eventually making my way downtown. It's been SO long since I have not taught on Saturdays and ever since I let go of those formal classes (formal in terms of "regular schedule" as I will start teaching 1x a month at a dance location in North Austin soon), I've been slammed with obligations early in the day... until today :))

So I'm definitely in a space of complete bliss at the moment. After having breakfast downtown, I went to the lovely Central Market (to get the most fabulous smelling lotion EVER!) to get a few things and enjoy the weather :) I love nature...

Now all I need is to connect with and ride a horse for a while! I have a "Diaper Shower" to attend later so that will have to make due for now :)

Blissfully Yours,
Sanieh
www.saniehyoga.com

It's been a long time coming. The few emails I've gotten from my teacher about Navaratri have played their role as a reminder; specifically about the first 3 days being one of working through the tamastic patterns of regressive behaviors in our living space and in our lives.  

A few weeks ago I was teaching from a Kali Ma point of view.... drawing the lines, knowing when to say NO and how to chant our YESes through movement of Yogic Arts and Budokon. That was my practice of searching my soul for courage and doing my damnedest to tap into that strength on reserve.  

This week I have been opening classes sharing an experience that I had at the holistic dentist's office on Monday. While sitting in the waiting room for my appointment,  I sent out my petition to the Universe to show me or help me to follow through with what my inner knower was trying to teach me. Someone walked in the door which caught my attention and I looked up across the room at the DENTIST'S OFFICE to see none other than a small statue of Ganesha- the Hindu Deity who purifies for the removal of obstacles which encourages the invocation of Auspicious new beginnings.  

So the shape at hand for classes this week to go along with that story was centered around (but certainly not limited to...) Garudasin; the serene Eagle, who in MY mind, stands in steadiness in the storm. The opposition of this shape says it all. The rising energy in upward, pranic motion yet we remain in our roots grounded into the Earth which supports our every need. One leg underneath the other, opposite arm on top of the other, energies drawing in opposite directions which is only possible when we tap into our center first and foremost willing and unafraid to sit into our strength even when we are fearful of the fall. All of this we do while connecting to our Adi Shakti, the original Shakti, divine feminine rising up first THROUGH, then above it all.  

So I write tonight with a little opposition within myself at the moment. Part of me is sad and heavy from opposition of my knowing heart (truth, trust, all knowing) vs the thinking mind (illusion, ego, fear). The other part is a little lighter with pride in that I called on courage and strength when it wasn't easy and quite honestly, when I didn't want to in many ways but needed to. I do believe one of my original goals posted when I started this blog was to develop extreme trust in the process... that's the process of trusting that the Universe unfolds as it's meant to indeed and that if I feel it in my heart and in the chambers of my soul- then it exists and it's my dharma to receive it.  

That's the thing about yoga; its there for us in whatever form we decide to meet it. So how to move forth? I'd have to say that's a personal question we must ask of ourselves. If I'm being honest in knowing myself, right now, the only choice I have to survive this experience is to dive into a deep space of presence being the keeper of my own thoughts... being responsible for them. Nobody else has that kind of power over what I chose to put my mental energy into. Knowing myself, I find that whatever I put mental energy into, the heart follows so then it becomes emotional and when it's emotional, then I'm shit out of luck and I move back into toxic patterns of thought which govern and suppress the flow of liberation and expansion in all areas of my existance. I'm a Pisces, very intuitive, creative, a natural caregiver, and am guided (for better or for worse), by my pulsating heart.

To ME, even at its worst, that's a beautiful quality.  

Petitioning Peaceful, Pink, Fuzzy, Unconditional, Full Body Hugging thoughts,
Sanieh
www.saniehyoga.com

(Pic- OLD pic from last year sometime...)

There is no way that I could recreate this in my own words so below is a cut and paste from my teacher, Shiva on the auspicious days ahead of us! I am teaching a very special Bhakti workshop this Friday night at Dharma Yoga from 7-10 pm where we will have a very pranifed and Shaktified loving practice then chant to Maha Lakshmi and Sing through Saraswati as celebration and devotion... Hope to see you there!
Peace,
Sanieh
www.saniehyoga.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


On the eve of the New Moon, Rosh Hashanah and one of the most important Hindu-Tantric ritual festivals, Navaratri, I wanted to honor this sacred cycle of deep alignment and ritual renewal that is available to us all during these times of intense change.

Navaratri Ritual Preparation.

Beginning today, September 30th, Tuesday until next Thursday, Shakti is celebrated for nine "nava",  ratris' or nights. For three days each, the form of the purifying force of Durga-Kali, the manifesting abundance of Maha Lakshmi and the creative wisdom of Saraswati are celebrated by hundreds of millions of Bhaktis all around the world. 

I have included an article from the Hindu perspective if you would like more information, (See link below). You can also google Navaratri,  you will find lots of images, video footage and information.  I have celebrated Navaratri for the past fifteen years and do not miss this amazing ritual process of connecting authentically to the power of Shakti. Here are some suggestions for entering this ritual cycle with universal awareness.

Begin by Creating Sacred Space:

Prepare your home and temple of your body by cleaning and caring for your spaces of embodiment. The first three days of Navaratri are the time of clearing out the energy of tamas (regressive, backward moving energy). You could also attend to the process of purification and creating sacred space during this time so that there is no pressure of tension. In particular, clean your altar space and if you are connected to the different aspects of the Divine Mother, Ma Shakti, then invoke her through images, colors, and symbolic offerings that will deepen your ritual reflection.

Living Practices In General:

Before or after your meditation, pray and journal upon the qualities of Shakti that you can call in from the macrocosmic process to have effect within the microcosm of your being. Allow the shakti forces of purification, nuturing, creation and manifestation to reveal to you how to align with your highest vision in action for collective evolution. Not only write, pray and meditate but live what you are ritually invoking in your thought, speech, actions imbued with the love of life and the mother

Specific:

Chanting of kirtan for the divine mother in the form of Durga-Kali, Sri Laxmi Ma, and Saraswati
Chanting and listening of the Lalita Sahasranama
Chanting with Japa Mala 18-27-54 or 108 rounds of the mantra Aim Hrim Klim Chamundayai Vicche or mantras for the different aspects of the Goddess:
Om Dum Durgayai Namaha, Om Shrim Maha Lakshimaye Namaha, Om Aim Saraswataye Namaha while meditating within your heart upon
Fasting in a way that is appropriate from a complete fast on fruits to eating vegetarian food to giving up regressive foods for your system is also traditionally part of Navaratri.

Days 1-3 (Tuesday -Thursday) Purification of Inner and Outer Obstacles on the Spritual Path (Durga Shakti)
Days 4-6 (Friday - Sunday) Worshiping the Healing Beauty and Abundance of Maha Lakshmi
Days 7-9 (Monday-Wednesday) Awakening the Divine Wisdom and Creativity of Saraswati Ma
Day 10 Victory of Shakti

http://list.namasteinteractive.com/content/25168/2008_9/navaratri.pdf

I am a student. Goekna-ji of the Vipassana meditation tradition I study, says that a yogi is a truth seeker. I am on this path in the seat of the teacher or as "river guide" as my teacher calls it, but I am a student before all else.  

What my inner student reveals to me WHILE in the seat of the teacher is amazing.  

While I am very passionate about this life of living yoga and teaching the style and method of study that I have taken and shared through my own transmission, the inner student continues to show me that even though I am a teacher, I do not know everything. This is my process on the path, as a seeker of my own truth and Universal truth as one in the same; and being connected enough to realize this and ultimately finding compassion rather than feeding the judge and critic within is part of what makes me a growing student. Just like anything else, this way of practice and teaching is not the only way, however, it was Krishnamacharya himself who said

"If we are to move along the yogic path towards wholeness we must settle on one style and explore it with an open heart. To find water we dig a hole in one place, not lot of random holes like a mole disturbing a garden."  

Every body is different thus the exploration will be different. While it's important for us to honor our bodies, sometimes what we mask as honoring is actually a crutch for being without ease to welcoming change or possibility of something new or something else. I think about this when it comes to our strengths verses our weaknesses physically, mentally, and emotionally and being so willing to compromise the growth of our own yogic garden for being "comfortable" to the mask that looks like our habitual patterns/samskaras of body, speech, thought, mind, tendencies, etc.  

If there is something within these words that strikes a chord, perhaps that is where the work has been set out for us. Recently I came across this quote from Dan Rather that said

"The dream begins with a teacher who believes in you who tugs and pushes, and leads you to the next plateau, sometimes poking you with a sharp stick called truth."

It is truth, for us ALL, that there are areas to which we cling to yet tending to our gardens sometimes requires many hours nurturing a seed that remains unseen yet with faith, we trust that something is so sweetly beneath the surface ready to break through.    

Love All Ways,
Sanieh
www.saniehyoga.com

Ahhh Friday morning- this kermie pic in child's pose is how I'm feeling at the moment :)

Last night I finally finished and sent out my newsletter :))))) It's been brought to my attention that the spell check feature doesn't seem to be working too well (Thanks Keith! You're HIRED!) though so bare with me while I slowly work through the kinks! If I'm being honest, that drives me mildly crazy, but I'll try not to lose sleep over it ;)

I Still have one pending piece of information on confirming space for a workshop but I have time between now and the next newsletter to do so so I'm not too worried about it. I do have all kinds of things planned in the way of workshops and intensives and I'm starting to plan my travel-teaching schedule and travels for 2009 as well so there's a lot of good stuff coming up! So if you are on my list and didn't get the email (or not on the list and want to be) let me know! sanieh@saniehyoga.com


I'm pretty tired though. I was up until 2am before I finally completed and sent it out then I felt the need to attempt to clean the living room. The night before, I wasn't tired when I wanted to be so I stayed up locating and printing all 3 credit reports! Great news, but It doesn't help my desire to snooze at the moment! I'm actually going out of town tonight through Sunday with a whole lot of "nothing" planned so I have high expectations that this weekend will be enjoyable that way :)

More soon...
Sanieh
www.saniehyoga.com

Friday October 3rd 7-10pm at the beautiful Dharma Yoga Studio in Austin!

Cut and Paste below to read More:

http://dharma-yoga.net/workshop.html


(Photo: Tattoo of A gal's back who attended a training with me.... her ode to Ganesh)

Love and Light,

sanieh

www.saniehyoga.com

Today I want donuts.

Yep.

I want an apple fritter and I want a powered, Bavarian filled donut- both which I have not eaten in years. I'm sitting with this desire however, because it's not about the donuts. It's about the longing to fill a space within myself right now.  

The second half of this week teaching has been spent teaching a yoga and martial arts infused practice based around the energy that is Kali Ma. I've only recently been thinking about Kali and like anything else, when we are pulled to something, someone, or an energy, we seem to find it and SEE it in everything. I found myself looking into the mythology of this Hindu Goddess and then came across an article in YJ that was based around Kali's energy. For reasons of my own experience, I felt (and fell) so moved lately to teach from the space that encourages connecting to our own inner Kali.  

While bare breasted and beautiful, she is often depicted as demonic. "The Ferocious form of the Divine Mother", she is with dark wild hair, three eyes, a necklace of skulls and a upraised sword, while her energy is one that symbolizes that of a slayer... a slayer of avidya, or ignorance, and the demonic nature within our egos and those around us.  

The only visual I EVER had of Kail aside from an iron statue was an expression that my teacher shared with me recently while listening to a story of a grown woman who expressed that her own mother use to tell her she wasn't pretty, special, etc... and that this woman was the cause and reason for her own failed marriage. In that moment, as my teacher reacted (being a mother herself), she made the verbal connection stating that her response was that of Kali nature.  

In my own words and current experience, Kali is the voice within the voice. She is the one who looks fear in the eye and says "Fuck it! This is what's right and this is what must be said or done in order for me to live authentically. This is what I must have courage to explore or trust or confront in order to face my insecurities and to see myself and others for what we all are- no sugar coating myself, others, or situations. If it looks like a sheep, it's a sheep!".   

It's said that Kali is one of the most worshipped of all Hindu deities outside of Ganesh, the elephant headed God symbolizing the energy of Auspicious new beginnings and the remover of obstacles. Kali's energy might be the most suppressed one of all within us, especially those who have a hard time finding their voice, speaking up and out, or those who feel timid. Her energy lives within us all and even as lovers of yoga, we must remember that there is always a time to call upon her. The idea that because we are yogins, we should always be "yes people" or "quiet" goes against the self love that embracing Kali can offer to us. This doesn't mean that we need to be jerks or obnoxious in anyway, what it means is that it's our duty to know when to say when. We must know how, when, and where to access that part of ourselves that is willing to take the hit if it means we are speaking out and OVER the voices that can rule the ego, the mind, and our lives creating and causing endless suffering out of avidya (ignorance) and illusion that we are unable to claim all that we are, deserve, and desire to become.  

Right now, I still want those donuts, yet in the same way that I am seeing my own "stuff" for what it really is, I know that ultimately, that kind of processed sugared goodness won't serve or support what I need in this moment. The only purpose they serve for me right now is one that would be supporting avoidance of what is, and an attempt to fulfill an illusion. Should I decide that I do indeed want them later when the waters of my mind are calm and steady, I will be in a better seat to make that choice without it being a harmful one; an assault on my own inner Kali.  

Peace; in body, speech and mind.  
Sanieh
http://www.saniehyoga.com/

What a weekend! More on that later...

My friend, Lexie who I met at the end of a Vipassana course I did a few years ago, is a student of Dr. Laad at the Ayurvedic institute in New Mexico and studies Ayurveda and Jyotish (Vedic Astrology). She has started sending out these monthly forcasts to me and I always find them to be so interesting. I've bolded a few key points as well. Her personal website is www.lexneon.com
hearts, Sanieh


Planetary movement for September 2008
Sept. 8: Jupiter stations direct (after 4 months of being retrograde!)
Sept. 9: Pluto stations direct (after 5 months of being retrograde!)
Sept. 15: Full Moon in 28°41’ Aquarius (Purva Bhadrapada)
Sept. 17: Sun moves into Virgo
Sept. 20: Venus moves into Libra
Sept. 24: Mercury goes retrograde in 28°51’ Virgo until Oct. 15
Sept. 26: Mars moves into Libra
Sept. 29: New Moon in 12°28’ Virgo (Hasta)
*Sept. 19-24 and Oct. 15-19 are the days surrounding Mercury Retrograde


Planets to uplift for September 2008: Mercury and Venus

Reasons for uplifting these planets over others:

(sanieh's side bar note: this whole thing deserves BOLDED font!)
Venus and Mercury are sitting with Mars for much of this month, which can
create some “pitta” (hot, angry, frustrating) energy around love and
communication. These same placements can also add a lot of passion and
excitement to our relationships and even energize us in other parts of our
lives. The planets are also in Virgo for much of the month, which can either
add a touch of criticism to our communication, or can make us more precise and
clear in how we are feeling. Many times, it is just a matter of choice.

As Mercury goes Retrograde on the 24th (sanieh's side bar comments: OH SHIT!) it can also bring up issues around
communication, computers, etc. as we know. It tends to bring things “from
the past” (people, issues) back into our lives. Sometimes that isn’t
welcome, but many times, it’s our opportunity to “get right” with these
things and if needed, complete our karma in this area -- or just be reminded of
someone who was once special to us. The five days preceding and following
Mercury Retrograde are the days to really be mindful and when the energy is most
heightened (as the planets “stations” into its Retrograde and Direct
positions). Send any important communication before or after these days, get
any computer work done early in the month, and sign any pending contracts before
or after these dates if possible. And if you can’t change the schedule, then
do the Mercury remedies and trust it will all work out as planned. Another way
to help focus this energy is to honor Saturn…


Honoring Saturn:
Saturn this month is sitting on the ascendant of the chart, affecting our
pre-dawn and morning hours. The things we do in these hours have a profound
influence on how we experience the day. Saturn likes to us to have a plan, to
make a schedule (down to the minute!), and to stick to it! Saturn is all about
service, authority and organization.

A way to honor this energy of Saturn, and to become it, is to start off the day
with meditation and a good solid “dinacharya” -a daily routine (see the
online resource page at: www.ayurveda.com). The classic Vedic texts state that
meditating in the pre-dawn hours (the Brahma muhurta hours) is especially
powerful as it can help us access and undo any traumas related to our birthing
experience or to early childhood. On a mythological level, these hours are
connected to Aditi, the Mother of the Gods and Kings – a deity that is all
about rebirth, nurturing and abundance. The structure and schedule we create
in our morning hours are very important this month as we move out of this
“birthing” energy of the spring and summer and into the “kala sarpa
yoga” energy of the upcoming months – energy revolving around breaking old
patterns (a theme for the past few months, it seems!).

Saturn is giving us the gift of discipline and focus this month, allowing us to
overcome any challenges we may have faced in the early years and to become the
authority over our lives. These are some of the greatest lessons and gifts of
Saturn. Yes, Saturn can restrict and we can sometimes feel as if we are being
“punished’ by Saturn. Sometimes, we are! But most times, it is so we can
hone in our energies, focus and make things manifest in our worlds. And if we
don’t do this, we will just feel simply out of sorts and like we are going
against our inner authority. Saturn wants us to have honor, to be of service,
and to have the structure needed so we can be our own authorities, to awaken
(Saturn is connected to the 3rd eye), and to achieve all the greatness it has in
store for us.


Remedies for Mercury:
*Chant Mercury’s mantra: Aum Bum Budaya Namaha
*Wear Mercury’s colors: all shades of green
*Eat Mercury foods (but don’t eat fast!): green dal, leafy greens, zucchini,
summer squash, almonds, cashews
*Wear the Moon’s gems: emerald, peridot, jade, aquamarine
*Do gentle pranayama (breathing exercises) to calm the mind and nervous system,
like alternate nostril breathing or So Hum breath.
*Be mindful of thoughts and communication, especially with loved ones.
*Doing these things on Wednesday is especially helpful as it is Mercury’s
day. Doing these things (on any day) with the intention that the energy is to
support Mercury is also important.

Remedies for Venus:
*Chant the Venus’ mantra: Aum Shum Shukraya Namaha
*Invoke Lakshmi: Aum Shri Lakshmiya Namaha
*Wear Venus’ colors: all shades of pink
*Eat Venus foods: kidney beans, cashews, asparagus
*Wear Venus’ gems: diamonds, clear and rose quartz
*Take your partner out to a special dinner and tell them you love them!
*Keep a sense of love and passion in all you do this month.
*Doing these things on Friday is especially helpful as it is Venus’ day.
Doing these things (on any day) with the intention that the energy is to support
Venus is also good.


Chanting the Prayer to the 9 Planets in the morning is
an excellent way to align with all the planets:
Sun: Aum Sum Suryaya Namaha
Moon: Aum Som Somaya Namaha
Mars: Aum Kum Kujaya Namaha
Mercury: Aum Bum Budaya Namaha
Jupiter: Aum Gum Guravay Namaha
Venus: Aum Shum Shukraya Namaha
Saturn: Aum Sham Shanaya Namaha
Rahu: Aum Ram Rahuvay Namaha
Ketu: Aum Kem Ketuvay Namaha


Key Words for September 2008:
* cool down! * speak with passion and love *
* discipline * structure * “dinacharya” (the daily routine)*

(Photo- Myself, Gioconda, Sarah, and Shani after practice at Kripalu)

When I was at Kripalu in July, I experienced a beautiful act of kindness.

After dinner one evening, I was making my way back to the dorm room when I looked up and saw a note on the outside of the door with my name on it. I'm not sure what my first thought was other than a big "?" but I opened up the folded piece of paper and read the following words...

"Sanieh,

An anonymous person has given you a gift of a healing arts session of your choice! Please come to the healing arts appointment desk to schedule. As of now, you have credit in your account."

I was taken so far back with the gesture and couldn't help but think "WHO?" and "WHY?".

I walked to the healing arts desk and they must have been able to read the confusion on my face. I kept hearing Gurmukh's words in my mind saying we must practice not "random" acts of kindness, but simply ACTS of KINDNESS. I showed the paper to the gal at the desk and she smiled softly saying, "yes, I am familiar with this". She went on to say that the person ABSOLUTELY wanted to remain anonymous and that it was in big bold letters in the notes. I asked if it was someone there (I still had NO clue who it could have been whether or not it was someone there or back home) and she wouldn't say. I had her promise me that she would make a call expressing my profound gratitude for not one but TWO massages I was given.

I went to the next yoga session and while sharing with a friend, I ended up in tears because I was so humbled that someone would so randomly and genuinely want me to have such a gift. It wasn't so much WHAT it was, but more the fact that they really wanted and NEEDED nothing in return. I was finding myself having a hard time receiving though and this troubled me.

I shared with my friend, Shani, that I could feel the ego- both spectrums of it. "On one hand' I shared, "Ego says *oh you don't think I can AFFORD it?* and on the other, (because time didn't allow me to get the long, big daddy massage, I broke it into 2) maybe I should only do one healing arts treatment and let them be credited back the difference".

My friend looked me in the eyes and said, "Sanieh, don't take this away from them (the giver) because of your ego. Enjoy it, receive it, and send thanks". I just cried and smiled and acknowledged her wisdom. She was right.

I had 2 massages scheduled on two different nights back to back. The first was in the middle of the Wah! concert so I left early. I showed up to a sweet healer's room who had much background in all things yoga. He shared with me that he was tired and was hoping that his last appt (it was at 9pm!) wouldn't be high maintenance and I shared the evolution to how I ended up there in the first place. It was one of the best massages I have ever received. In the end I walked outside the door and had tears rolling down my face as I hugged this young man and thanked him for his sweetness before heading downstairs.

I was searching for a few friends because I felt some stuff arising from that session but it appeared that everyone had fallen asleep already; the halls were quiet. So I headed to my dorm room, grabbed my toothbrush and things and headed for the bathroom. In the humor that only the Universe offers, I opened the door to the potty room and saw two of the most beautiful faces (2 that I was hoping to find before making it to my room) I could have seen at that moment. Gioconda and Sarah turned around and gave the sweetest smile saying "Saniiiieeeeh!" and I think I felt my face light up... then my face mushed and I started crying! (what can I say...? ;)

I remember Sarah saying, "do you need something or do we just need to hold space?". I couldn't talk so they led me to the oh so randomly place chair that somehow ended up in the bathroom and that's when I started the "ugly cry" :) You know, the hard one?! And what a release that was!

I shared with them that my experience was like the best meal that was prepared with love. Do you know what I mean by saying that? When food is LOVINGLY prepared for us, there is energy there. It tastes better, it's satisfying, it's pleasing to the senses and it fills us up in more ways than one. That was my experience and it was about so much more than the massage. The intention of giving without receiving even the "thank you" hit me right in the bottom of my heart.

I spent a lot of time trying to figure it out and I came up with nothing. I also spent some time asking the question, "WHY" or maybe I was really asking "why ME". Today, I have no idea who gifted me that experience and who was allowed the gift themselves by my letting go of trying to figure it out. I have no idea if it was someone off in the distance in my life regularly or i my life for that single week, or it was a "random" act. What I do know is what I felt eating the most lovingly prepared meal via hands on healing and for that experience, I am grateful and humbled. 

One of my friends who was there to received the affects of my experience, Gioconda, shared with me today one of Tagore's quotes that is "we must receive love as well as give it". In that moment at Kripalu I realized that while we (*I*) can sometimes be such lovers of giving, sometimes it's in the willingess that is receiving ,where walls and barriers are broken down.

"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it. ." ~Rabindra Nath Tagore

LOVELOVELVOE,
Sanieh
www.saniehyoga.com

(Photo credit: Taken by the lovely and talented Elizabeth http://www.kreutzphotography.com/ at the end of a recent 2 hour 103 degree Austin Lululemon Ambassador photo shoot (the only time I wasn't in the blazing sun!:)

That's what came to my mind tonight in the middle of class (teaching). I don't mean that physically. We don't need to assault our bodies although we often do in some way, shape, or manner (more on that later). As I guided a full class through slow, meditative, and liquid asana facilitating the connection to that part of our foundation that is unshakable, it came to my heart, "yoga hurts".  

What I mean is that this process that I call yoga that includes living, breathing, and yes, reforming, reshaping, an reconstructing our lives and way of "being" is sometimes painful. As  reconstruction on ones heart would be on a medical table, yoga opens us up (potentially) in that way and if we can observe that process, we are able to recognize this "hurt" for what it is.. a fleeting moment that must be a part of the big and beautiful process that is evolution, and recreation of ourselves that leads us back to the heart of the seed, the true self; the Atman, Divinity, our truest and most pure form that is the energy of nature and love.  

I believe beyond shadow of any possible doubt that one teaches what one practices and this is certainly true of myself. It's unavoidable to a degree. This goes hand in hand with ALL practices, not just the physical. If I'm being honest, my physical practice has taken a very patient and loving back seat to the other; REAL yoga in my life. A good portion of that including the yoga that is my *teaching* experience that I take home with me; by this I don't mean the actual class time... but the remains that so strongly stick to my cells afterwards often in the form of "the judge".  

I once heard that a great (spiritual) teacher will willing say 'I know nothing'. His Holiness, the Dalai Lama said, when asked if he was enlightened, "(laughing) If I were enlightened, I wouldn't be wearing glasses!".  

I feel like somewhere along the way, we have lost that essence to a degree. As teachers, we hold a sacred responsibility that is extremely difficult and challenging in the most awesome way and I feel like in so many ways, the presence of all things outside of that essence has been forgotten at the "baggage check" at the door. Sometimes it's difficult with material and superficial accomplishments and accolades because those things, while wonderful in their own way, have a way of uprooting one's "foundation" out of the Earth's soil, like an angry gardener in a field of weeds.  

Someone once said "When I do good I feel good and when I do bad I feel badly"... or something like that.   My truth is that I beat myself up. I am extremely hard on myself sometimes so it's a balance of ego verses ego. There is a difference between asking the questions to reflect vs self torture (and all levels and degrees between) if you will. Ego doesn't always take the "egotistical ME ME ME form" that we tend to think of when we hear the word. The "I'm holier than thou"- it's not just that. It's also the self defeating words an thoughts, "I'm shit... I't wasn't enough"... (and all things between)" etc.  

The shape of my yoga is becoming so much more about being the observer to how I feel as indication to the answers I need with separation of ego verses essence with experiences and convictions in my life and working through and liberating myself from things, people, situations, relations, and circumstances that do not support my doing so. Like a mentor would be to student, I am very proud of myself lately in my ability to actually be witness through difficulty and finding the strength and sense of self to stand in truth making decisions from that space rather than selling myself out (thus feeling shitty for it later) for the momentary taste of satisfaction that inevitably turns to suffering.  

Our greatest pleasure can become our poison.  

I was sharing a story in my classes early in the week about a sweet student friend of mine. This person on the outside is so seemingly strong,confident, and humble... what most would think of as some sort of honorary yogi. In all of their glorious divinity, they opened their "issues" up so gracefully to me recently sharing some difficulty that was being experienced as part of their yoga. At one point we had a very heartfelt conversation to where they so perfectly shared their feeling like they had been "raping this practice of yoga". Every time I see it and say it that way, I am with chills.  

What sticks out so much in my mind is that like a loyal dog, our practice always returns to us. No matter how we show up, it truly does meet us where ever we are and if we are in an abusive mode, like a lifeless lover, our practice will allow us to abuse it. This could be physically by demanding what's not freely given or simply taking more than we need. It could also be mentally with either end of the egotistical spectrum as mentioned in the example above. It could be taking something that is intended to be essence from the sweetest orange and making it manas (mind) "show and tell". Any number of ways there are to abuse, and yes, "rape" this sacred practice and like an abuser or addict (we are ALL abusers and addicts of SOMETHING even if it's abuse of our own thoughts and self talk- perhaps more fatal than any substance), each time we strengthen that habit.  

While that conversation took place several days ago, I've been thinking about this person's sincere and honest words, this sweet soul who in that moment, was my teacher even though the "outer roles" appeared reversed.  

While the past little bit of my yoga has reshaped my practice for now moving it deeply inward checking *myself* in the seat of being student, to my thought patterns, being the witness, claiming what I deserve and desire of those who want a place and role in my life, my practice of rooting and grounding, and yes, my practice that is teaching- I'm been asking myself the question "where am I abusing my practice?"  Where is there violence in the broad spectrum that is Sanieh's yoga perhaps in the "not so obvious" expressions of violence? Those answers have kindly started to whisper in my ear and while sometimes we think our (and other people's) answers are always obvious or on our sleeves for display, they really aren't. It's hard enough for ourselves when we realize "oh wow, it's not what I *thought* it was", never mind when its someone else "stuff". The good thing is, we don't owe anyone an explanation of what is revealed through asking these questions. What we do owe however, is exploration on how to move in the other direction bringing us as close as one can become to aligning our intentions with an equanimous and harmonious existence while living in a room full of people, or living alone.  

May you be peaceful.
May you be happy.
May you know liberation.  

lovelovelove,
Sanieh
www.saniehyoga.com