(Pic-With Shiva Nataraja in Venice Beach. "The significance of the Nataraja sculpture is said to be that Shiva is shown as the source of all movement within the cosmos, represented by the arch of flames. The purpose of the dance is to release men from illusion of the idea of the "self" and of the physical world. The cosmic dance was performed in Chidambaram in South India, called the center of the universe by some Hindus. The gestures of the dance represent Shiva's five activities, creation (symbolized by the drum), protection (by the "fear not" hand gesture), destruction (by the fire), embodiment (by the foot planted on the ground), and release (by the foot held aloft).
As Nataraja (Sanskrit: Lord of Dance) Shiva represents apocalypse and creation as he dances away the illusory world of Maya transforming it into power and enlightenment. " )

July was a whirlwind full of yogic (= life) studies, self- study, and an overspill of Shakti! My return home has me returning to my base and roots, welcoming the grounding of my Earth home in Austin, and manifestation and fruition unfolding of a deep sense of purpose.

My shruti box arrived in the mail on Monday from India as did my (forget the name...) bell ankle percussion thingies :) More than my guitars, my harmonium and shruti box allow me to "go there" in devotion and literally get lost in the practice. The night after getting my new toy instrument, I started teaching myself how to play and like all of my others, when the sound that I'm longing to hear resonates, the words and mantras flow. I don't think about what to say, sing, or chant, it just moves through me. What's different about my newest piece is that it came through me immediately and I was sharing it within 12 hours of it's expression in my classes the next morning. While *that* part was normal, I had a few people in one day ask me if I was doing ragas.

This is where it's interesting...

I have never formally studied classical Indian music (although I'm seriously thinking about it NOW!)... or instruments, kirtan, bhakti , any of it- at all. Nor have I, to my knowledge, even been made aware that I might have heard raga (although I'm sure I have as some kirtan wala's incorporate raga and I've been fortunate enough to be in that space with a some a few times :) Much of that comes from the heart I believe... but in terms of ragas and classical India music, the little research I've done has taught me that, similar, although radically different, to the "classical guitar", there is actually a method to the madness with it's expression and musical arrangement. I could feel that this recent one was different but not until I had a few people share with me in different classes that they felt like it was actual raga (said people have studied and had knowledge in this area unlike myself ;) did I realize how it might be different than the others I've shared.

There were plans to attend a kirtan camp with Jai Uttal last year in India that ended up not happening... Kirtan isn't always raga or classical studies though. It's interesting to hear this because to/for me, it is always organic in my expression. In a weird way, although I don't need validation on this path that I believe to be my Dharma/innate purpose/Sva Shakti; it sort of *was* validation that spirit moves through us and as I was once told years and years ago (this particular from a more Judea Christian system, although I prefer to make it more global :) .... "God doesn't call the qualified, God qualifies the called". Sometimes there is just a knowing without formality...

I don't think of myself as an oracle of any great message.... although I certainly feel like I have a story to tell/share. It's not how it sounds moving through me, it's how and what it makes me feel moving through me. This adventure of sharing my prayer (and it is my personal prayer and sadhana practice in the form, and in the spirit, of Tantra in uniting with divinity that already lives within us all- perhaps the most personal thing/part of myself I can share with others, because it truly is for ME, the sweetest most intimate kiss I share with the divine) is a practice whose ability to take me right into the heart of emotion, mood, divinity, the sacred self, connection to everyone and every thing around me, makes me feel closer and more *connected* than anything else I've ever been a part of. Teaching does that for me... the yoga that is bhakti, does it for me even more because the ego completely dissolves and leaves the body and it's the vibration of the sound that pierces the heart and breaks us down. I don't think about the words or the mantras, they find me in the initial discovery of the sound and vibration... and then they stick and then they build.

I look forward to the unfolding of my life. More and more I am starting to see the most sacred full circle taking form that can be traces back nearing a decade ago... life is funny like that. Our greatest dreams sometimes "disappear" only to resurface in a way, shape, and color that is so completely different than what we could have seen before.... I bow to the belief that we are born with a knowing inside of our hearts, a canvas laid out in front of us and the paints and they brushes rest in our hearts... the deep driving desire and buzz is the whisper in our ear that so softly tickles saying "this way..." - and when we follow that whisper, I hearts become fuller and we start to feel a deep sense of wholeness, purpose, and call on our lives.

Follow the Whisper; Answer the call that's been put inside of your heart.

"Because You love the Burning -ground, I have made a Burning-ground of my heart - That You, Dark One, hunter of the Burning-ground, May dance Your eternal dance."
~ Bengali Hymn~

lovelovelove,
sanieh
http://www.saniehyoga.com/

• Between my 2 classes today, actually during Savasana of the 1st one, a thought came to my mind. The thought was this:
  
  WHAT IF at the beginning of my life, my fullest potential was revealed to me showing just what my life could look like if I "used" up everything I was given and meant to put out into the world, following the SPANDA inside... What if? What would I do differently? What would I do or pursue that I I might not otherwise think possible or believe to be within my own potential? What if every arising heart felt desire was meant to heard as the voice of guidance saying "yes you can, come this way..." 
   

  (message from this Universe, www.tut.com,  from a week ago) If you can imagine it, you can have it, Sanieh. This is the name of the game. This is the lesson to learn. It couldn't be any easier. Reality is not what your eyes show your mind, but what your mind creates for your eyes to see. You are not limited by logic, the past, or the world around you. You are not even of the world around you. You are supernatural, pure spirit. You came first. Magic, miracles, and luck are the consequences of understanding this, the inevitable result of dreaming and acting in spite of appearances.

  You are ever so close. Simply stay the course. It won't be very much longer.

   

      The Universe

  
  
  What if?
  Listening,
  Sanieh
  www.saniehyoga.com
  

(Photo credit: Taken by the lovely and talented Elizabeth http://www.kreutzphotography.com/ at the end of a recent 2 hour 103 degree Austin Lululemon Ambassador photo shoot (the only time I wasn't in the blazing sun!:)

That's what came to my mind tonight in the middle of class (teaching). I don't mean that physically. We don't need to assault our bodies although we often do in some way, shape, or manner (more on that later). As I guided a full class through slow, meditative, and liquid asana facilitating the connection to that part of our foundation that is unshakable, it came to my heart, "yoga hurts".  

What I mean is that this process that I call yoga that includes living, breathing, and yes, reforming, reshaping, an reconstructing our lives and way of "being" is sometimes painful. As  reconstruction on ones heart would be on a medical table, yoga opens us up (potentially) in that way and if we can observe that process, we are able to recognize this "hurt" for what it is.. a fleeting moment that must be a part of the big and beautiful process that is evolution, and recreation of ourselves that leads us back to the heart of the seed, the true self; the Atman, Divinity, our truest and most pure form that is the energy of nature and love.  

I believe beyond shadow of any possible doubt that one teaches what one practices and this is certainly true of myself. It's unavoidable to a degree. This goes hand in hand with ALL practices, not just the physical. If I'm being honest, my physical practice has taken a very patient and loving back seat to the other; REAL yoga in my life. A good portion of that including the yoga that is my *teaching* experience that I take home with me; by this I don't mean the actual class time... but the remains that so strongly stick to my cells afterwards often in the form of "the judge".  

I once heard that a great (spiritual) teacher will willing say 'I know nothing'. His Holiness, the Dalai Lama said, when asked if he was enlightened, "(laughing) If I were enlightened, I wouldn't be wearing glasses!".  

I feel like somewhere along the way, we have lost that essence to a degree. As teachers, we hold a sacred responsibility that is extremely difficult and challenging in the most awesome way and I feel like in so many ways, the presence of all things outside of that essence has been forgotten at the "baggage check" at the door. Sometimes it's difficult with material and superficial accomplishments and accolades because those things, while wonderful in their own way, have a way of uprooting one's "foundation" out of the Earth's soil, like an angry gardener in a field of weeds.  

Someone once said "When I do good I feel good and when I do bad I feel badly"... or something like that.   My truth is that I beat myself up. I am extremely hard on myself sometimes so it's a balance of ego verses ego. There is a difference between asking the questions to reflect vs self torture (and all levels and degrees between) if you will. Ego doesn't always take the "egotistical ME ME ME form" that we tend to think of when we hear the word. The "I'm holier than thou"- it's not just that. It's also the self defeating words an thoughts, "I'm shit... I't wasn't enough"... (and all things between)" etc.  

The shape of my yoga is becoming so much more about being the observer to how I feel as indication to the answers I need with separation of ego verses essence with experiences and convictions in my life and working through and liberating myself from things, people, situations, relations, and circumstances that do not support my doing so. Like a mentor would be to student, I am very proud of myself lately in my ability to actually be witness through difficulty and finding the strength and sense of self to stand in truth making decisions from that space rather than selling myself out (thus feeling shitty for it later) for the momentary taste of satisfaction that inevitably turns to suffering.  

Our greatest pleasure can become our poison.  

I was sharing a story in my classes early in the week about a sweet student friend of mine. This person on the outside is so seemingly strong,confident, and humble... what most would think of as some sort of honorary yogi. In all of their glorious divinity, they opened their "issues" up so gracefully to me recently sharing some difficulty that was being experienced as part of their yoga. At one point we had a very heartfelt conversation to where they so perfectly shared their feeling like they had been "raping this practice of yoga". Every time I see it and say it that way, I am with chills.  

What sticks out so much in my mind is that like a loyal dog, our practice always returns to us. No matter how we show up, it truly does meet us where ever we are and if we are in an abusive mode, like a lifeless lover, our practice will allow us to abuse it. This could be physically by demanding what's not freely given or simply taking more than we need. It could also be mentally with either end of the egotistical spectrum as mentioned in the example above. It could be taking something that is intended to be essence from the sweetest orange and making it manas (mind) "show and tell". Any number of ways there are to abuse, and yes, "rape" this sacred practice and like an abuser or addict (we are ALL abusers and addicts of SOMETHING even if it's abuse of our own thoughts and self talk- perhaps more fatal than any substance), each time we strengthen that habit.  

While that conversation took place several days ago, I've been thinking about this person's sincere and honest words, this sweet soul who in that moment, was my teacher even though the "outer roles" appeared reversed.  

While the past little bit of my yoga has reshaped my practice for now moving it deeply inward checking *myself* in the seat of being student, to my thought patterns, being the witness, claiming what I deserve and desire of those who want a place and role in my life, my practice of rooting and grounding, and yes, my practice that is teaching- I'm been asking myself the question "where am I abusing my practice?"  Where is there violence in the broad spectrum that is Sanieh's yoga perhaps in the "not so obvious" expressions of violence? Those answers have kindly started to whisper in my ear and while sometimes we think our (and other people's) answers are always obvious or on our sleeves for display, they really aren't. It's hard enough for ourselves when we realize "oh wow, it's not what I *thought* it was", never mind when its someone else "stuff". The good thing is, we don't owe anyone an explanation of what is revealed through asking these questions. What we do owe however, is exploration on how to move in the other direction bringing us as close as one can become to aligning our intentions with an equanimous and harmonious existence while living in a room full of people, or living alone.  

May you be peaceful.
May you be happy.
May you know liberation.  

lovelovelove,
Sanieh
www.saniehyoga.com

(Photo- Myself, Gioconda, Sarah, and Shani after practice at Kripalu)

When I was at Kripalu in July, I experienced a beautiful act of kindness.

After dinner one evening, I was making my way back to the dorm room when I looked up and saw a note on the outside of the door with my name on it. I'm not sure what my first thought was other than a big "?" but I opened up the folded piece of paper and read the following words...

"Sanieh,

An anonymous person has given you a gift of a healing arts session of your choice! Please come to the healing arts appointment desk to schedule. As of now, you have credit in your account."

I was taken so far back with the gesture and couldn't help but think "WHO?" and "WHY?".

I walked to the healing arts desk and they must have been able to read the confusion on my face. I kept hearing Gurmukh's words in my mind saying we must practice not "random" acts of kindness, but simply ACTS of KINDNESS. I showed the paper to the gal at the desk and she smiled softly saying, "yes, I am familiar with this". She went on to say that the person ABSOLUTELY wanted to remain anonymous and that it was in big bold letters in the notes. I asked if it was someone there (I still had NO clue who it could have been whether or not it was someone there or back home) and she wouldn't say. I had her promise me that she would make a call expressing my profound gratitude for not one but TWO massages I was given.

I went to the next yoga session and while sharing with a friend, I ended up in tears because I was so humbled that someone would so randomly and genuinely want me to have such a gift. It wasn't so much WHAT it was, but more the fact that they really wanted and NEEDED nothing in return. I was finding myself having a hard time receiving though and this troubled me.

I shared with my friend, Shani, that I could feel the ego- both spectrums of it. "On one hand' I shared, "Ego says *oh you don't think I can AFFORD it?* and on the other, (because time didn't allow me to get the long, big daddy massage, I broke it into 2) maybe I should only do one healing arts treatment and let them be credited back the difference".

My friend looked me in the eyes and said, "Sanieh, don't take this away from them (the giver) because of your ego. Enjoy it, receive it, and send thanks". I just cried and smiled and acknowledged her wisdom. She was right.

I had 2 massages scheduled on two different nights back to back. The first was in the middle of the Wah! concert so I left early. I showed up to a sweet healer's room who had much background in all things yoga. He shared with me that he was tired and was hoping that his last appt (it was at 9pm!) wouldn't be high maintenance and I shared the evolution to how I ended up there in the first place. It was one of the best massages I have ever received. In the end I walked outside the door and had tears rolling down my face as I hugged this young man and thanked him for his sweetness before heading downstairs.

I was searching for a few friends because I felt some stuff arising from that session but it appeared that everyone had fallen asleep already; the halls were quiet. So I headed to my dorm room, grabbed my toothbrush and things and headed for the bathroom. In the humor that only the Universe offers, I opened the door to the potty room and saw two of the most beautiful faces (2 that I was hoping to find before making it to my room) I could have seen at that moment. Gioconda and Sarah turned around and gave the sweetest smile saying "Saniiiieeeeh!" and I think I felt my face light up... then my face mushed and I started crying! (what can I say...? ;)

I remember Sarah saying, "do you need something or do we just need to hold space?". I couldn't talk so they led me to the oh so randomly place chair that somehow ended up in the bathroom and that's when I started the "ugly cry" :) You know, the hard one?! And what a release that was!

I shared with them that my experience was like the best meal that was prepared with love. Do you know what I mean by saying that? When food is LOVINGLY prepared for us, there is energy there. It tastes better, it's satisfying, it's pleasing to the senses and it fills us up in more ways than one. That was my experience and it was about so much more than the massage. The intention of giving without receiving even the "thank you" hit me right in the bottom of my heart.

I spent a lot of time trying to figure it out and I came up with nothing. I also spent some time asking the question, "WHY" or maybe I was really asking "why ME". Today, I have no idea who gifted me that experience and who was allowed the gift themselves by my letting go of trying to figure it out. I have no idea if it was someone off in the distance in my life regularly or i my life for that single week, or it was a "random" act. What I do know is what I felt eating the most lovingly prepared meal via hands on healing and for that experience, I am grateful and humbled. 

One of my friends who was there to received the affects of my experience, Gioconda, shared with me today one of Tagore's quotes that is "we must receive love as well as give it". In that moment at Kripalu I realized that while we (*I*) can sometimes be such lovers of giving, sometimes it's in the willingess that is receiving ,where walls and barriers are broken down.

"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it. ." ~Rabindra Nath Tagore

LOVELOVELVOE,
Sanieh
www.saniehyoga.com